The Curse of the Coffee Caverns
by Elf Knight
Summary: Rangers are growing restless for a coffee famine has ensared all the land. Then one night, Will Treaty has a vision about caverns of coffee. He runs off in pursuit of them and his friends tag along. But is this a blessing or a curse? Severe AU!
1. Chapter 1: The Vision

**Author's Note:** First off, I don't own anything to do with _Ranger's Apprentice_ and all rights belong to Saint John Flanagan! Second, I have no idea where I got this idea – probably from some fanfic where Rangers run out of coffee – but I decided to write one of my own. This is purely humour and I suppose you'd call it a crack-fic. Truth be told, I don't know how funny it is and some of you will most probably call it a waste of time. Whatever the case, here is the first chapter of my latest story attempt!

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><p><strong>Chapter 1:<strong> The Vision

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><p>Rangers – These grim-faced warriors were like wraiths in the night. Silent sentinels guarding the kingdom from villains and evil-doers, the eyes and ears of the king.<p>

Rangers were famous for having an impressive stamina, amongst other things. Some folks even said they could turn invisible at will. Others claimed it was due to their molten green and grey cloaks that they wore, touched by the devil's own hands they said, that aided them in walking unseen amongst the common man.

Whatever the case, Rangers were now the laughing stock of the kingdom. It had started some months back but already they were the big joke and everyone, save their closest friends and allies, took this golden opportunity to point fun at them for being so snoopy and creepy in general.

"Why?" You ask. "How could so powerful an organization become so weakened seemingly overnight? It's just not natural!"

Well, not natural it may be but then – one dark and stormy night – the _unnatural_ happened.

No one quite knew how it came about, but throughout the Kingdom of Araluen and beyond – coffee, the Elixir of Life to all Rangers – vanished! Immediately, mass chaos reigned supreme as the realisation dawned on the fifty secret service agents.

Overnight, they became dazed and listless. Restless at first, they now straggle around the kingdom like a man robbed of thirst. They are a dangerous folk, their eyes looking off into the distance as if imagining barrels full of coffee.

At first, no one noticed their plight but now they do for whenever they see a hapless stranger within arm's reach; they grab them and babble incoherently about 'caverns of coffee'. Of course, no one in their right mind would want to have anything to do with them.

No one?

Well, not quiet! A few good souls still reside in Castle Redmont and are currently trying to nurse the latest victim (of what became known as the Coffee Curse) back to health: Will Treaty.

Yep!

You heard me right: Will Treaty was struck by the same plague, virus, whatever you call it, that ruined so many of them Rangers. After all, they were the intelligence force of the kingdom and the king needed them back in the best of health or else the land would fall to enemies both without and within.

So it was that young Jenny was trying to coax Will into having some food. It was a cup of tea, fresh from the cauldron, but the poor Ranger could not bring himself to eat. For some reason, food sickened him. He needed...coffee!

"Please, Will," The prettily plump blond begged, kneeling in front of the huddled and shivering figure whose shaking hands were clutching an empty coffee mug. "If you eat this, I'll fetch you some tea. It's the next best thing to coffee and you haven't had food in three whole days!"

Will shuddered at the thought of food. He didn't want food, _darn_ it! He wanted coffee. But the notion of tea was too good to pass up now, especially if it was Jenny's tea.

"Don't you think that's a good idea, Gilan?" Jenny asked, batting her eyelashes at the tall and swashbuckling Ranger.

But the poor fellow was too far gone to notice and immediately lurched forward from the couch where he sat crying, "No, Will! Don't go to the dark side! Be free of them!"

"It's too late, Gilan," Ranger Halt, who sat beside the hearth in the small room, whispered sadly. "I think we've lost him."

Indeed, Will had become so overcome by the need for something warm to drink that he began gobbling down his food – literally stuffing his face full with the stuff. Jenny nodded in approval and sat back a respectful distance to watch her old friend eat.

The others – Lady Pauline, Alyss, Horace, and George – all sighed and shook their heads, muttering. They held nothing against the Rangers but it was awful silly how they treated coffee: Drinking it was like a religion to them.

"Good," Jenny grinned, standing up and smoothing down the wrinkles in her dress. "Since you ate all your food, I shall get you a steaming cup of tea."

Will's mouth watered at the sound of it and he licked his bowl dry much to the disgust, and horror, of all those present.

"Eww!" Alyss said, face-palming herself. "And to think I ever kissed the guy!"

Horace and George broke into fits of giggles and as they struggled to continue playing their game of chess. Lady Pauline smiled from where she sat in a rocking chair, sewing up Halt's Ranger cloak.

It was a hobby she had taken too of late and proved very useful considering how Rangers just couldn't look after themselves these days, what with the Coffee Curse!

Jenny came back a few minutes later to find Will waiting with an expectant look. At the sight of the cup of tea, a look of elation broke out onto Will's face.

"Mine!" He howled, lurching for the cup.

Snatching it out of Jenny's hands, he ignored the surprised look on the blonde's face and drank down the tea in three large gulps.

Suddenly, time seemed to slow.

His vision blurred and stretched, while everything else seemed to pass in slow motion.

Like some wretched dream, everyone else's voices went deep and low until he could barely hear them. Sweat beaded on his forehead and his hands shook...

...That's when he saw the vision!

With a terrific bang, the air in the room split in two revealing a gapping hole of swirling clouds. The mist parted revealing a map of the kingdom. It looked like a normal map, save that it was constantly moving forward at a dizzying speed.

What's more, he could see people, animals, and things moving wherever they were supposed to be on the map. It was incredible! Then the map stopped at a certain location and began to enlarge right before his very eyes.

Will gasped in awe and wonder as it zoomed up real close revealing a mist-shrouded forest and a secret entrance to a set of dark caverns. Inside the caverns, he could see piles and piles of...coffee beans? He blinked in confusion as the vision slowly vanished.

Even more surprising was the voice he heard in his head that spoke the following words.

"Come to me, He Who Seeks Coffee Unfading!" The deep voice said, not unkindly. "Come to me and all shall be revealed unto you!"

Then there was a blood-curdling howl, a screech, and the vision vanished with another mind-blowing bang. Will nearly collapsed afterwards, but quickly regained his senses.

Realising what had just happened, his eyes lit up and he screamed, "Coffeeeeeee!" Before charging out of the room in Castle Redmont he shared with Halt and Gilan.

Not even bothering to pack anything, he saddled Tug and broke into a gallop in the direction of the coffee caverns he saw in his vision. It was just a vision, but he knew it was something more – something he was supposed to find. And find it he would, even if it was the last thing he'd do!

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><p>Back in Halt, Gilan, and Will's room in Castle Redmont, the others had gone back to their various activities. Horace and George were immersed in their game of chess while Jenny fetched Will a steaming cup of tea.<p>

Halt and Gilan were moaning and groaning to each other about the lack of a basic necessity, and were busy trying to get Lady Pauline to sympathise with them.

Jenny returned, beaming, and handed Will a cup of tea. The quivering Ranger gulped it down, froze for a moment, and his eyes widened.

Much to everyone's stunned surprise, he shrieked like a crazed fangril, "_Coffeeeeeeeeee!_"

Everyone jumped, coughing and sputtering at the unexpected noise, and watched in shock and alarm as Will dropped the empty cup of tea and bolted out the door.

The room froze as a tense silence filled the air, then pandemonium broke out amongst all gathered and even the guards could have sworn to have heard some such racket!

Finally, it was Alyss who had calmed them all down by standing up on a stool and banging the handle of a nearby broom into the stone floor. Everyone stopped arguing reluctantly and looked at her with sheepish grins, all squirming as they realised how foolish they had just looked.

"Friends, ladies," She said in a calm and clear voice. "I do believe Will Treaty has just had a vision of a possible place where a horde of coffee might be hidden. Isn't that right, Jenny?"

The cook blushed and nodded. "I'll admit I had given him some Dreaming Tea that, as legend has it, gives one the occasional vision of where something lies that they desperately seek."

"In other words," Alyss said with a smirk. "Jenny has successfully tricked Will into finding the location of coffee, where it went. It is possibly the only way to resurrect the fallen Rangers and save the realm from chaos. I don't know about you, but I aim to journey after Will and help him on his quest to save the world. So who's with me?"

Needless to say, everyone was and it was a mad rush as male and female alike scrambled to follow after Will. Little did they know, however, that unfriendly eyes watched them from the window!

**To Be Continued...**

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><p><strong>AN:** Like I said, this is all just foolishness with a touch of seriousness added in but this is all in parody and good fun. Now, contrary to what some of you might think – I do not mean to make fun of the Rangers as I absolutely love _Ranger's Apprentice_. It is one of my favourite series and that's saying something! I just got this idea and it insisted on being written. Like it? Love it? Hate it? Leave a review and let me know!

~ Elf Knight ~


	2. Chapter 2: The Quest

**Author's Note:** I'm back again with Round Two and I _still_ don't own _Ranger's Apprentice_! *sighs sadly and shakes head* What is the world coming to these days?

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><p><strong>Chapter 2:<strong> The Quest

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><p>Will Treaty did not know what spurred him into action, but whatever rush of adrenalin had filled him was now gone and he was as empty and tired as ever.<p>

Feeling weary, he brought Tug to a halt quite a distance outside Redmont. He was in a clearing surrounded by tall and strong evergreen trees. The sound of a babbling brook rushed near him but all he could think of was...coffee!

How he hated the stuff, hated it and yearned for it all at once. It was so annoying! All of a sudden, a twig snapped and he jerked upright his longbow loaded and was glancing around furtively.

"Who's there?" He asked.

"Nobody!" A voice answered cheerfully.

"Show yourself!" Will demanded, feeling nervous.

His bowstring tightened and he would have fired rapidly at any minute had it not been for the faint, almost indistinguishable rustle amongst the bushes. Loosening his grip slight, he watched in surprise as a large, silver fox slunk out of the bushes.

Whoever had heard of a fox being the colour of _silver_?

"Well met, Will Treaty," Said the fox. "I see you have heard my voice and have come as I commanded you too."

"Wait, hold on a minute!" Will panicked. "_You_ were the voice? How is that even possible? Foxes can't talk. Everyone knows that!"

"Apparently, not everyone," The fox smirked, coming to a stop and sitting on its haunches.

The fox's bushy tail flicked about in an almost casual manner as if the creature had all day to wait for Will to believe.

"What in damnation is going on here?" Will asked incredulously.

"The Chaos has surfaced after a thousand years of sleep," The fox said darkly. "After much effort, it has finally found a way to bring the kingdom down: Through the Curse of the Coffee Caverns."

The fox paused and it took a moment for Will to realise what he was speaking of.

"Hold on a minute," He said. "Didn't you show me a map where all the coffee in Araluen now lies? Is that what you're talking about?"

"Indeed, I did," The fox said, nodding in approval. "But the Caverns are a dangerous place – the Lair of the Chaos. He wants you to pursue the coffee so that he can capture all of you Rangers. One by one, the kingdoms of this land will fall to ruin and he, the Chaos, will pick up the pieces. A fairly standard and typical strategy but it works every time!"

"So why do you want me to go there?" Will asked, now thoroughly bewildered. "And who are you anyway?"

"My name is Loki," The fox answered solemnly. "To some I am a heal, a trickster. To others I am a hero and a saviour. It matters not who I am but what I have to offer you: The only way to save the realm. As it is, your fellow Rangers have already fallen under the Curse of the Coffee Caverns. Who knows what evil will befall the kingdom because of this?"

Will nodded and had to admit the fox spoke the truth. At the same time, something fishy seemed to be going on here. He could not quite put his finger on it, but something seemed..._wrong_. The name 'Loki' sounded familiar, like some half-remembered dream.

And yet he could not place it. Heaving a sigh, he shrugged his shoulders and resigned himself to his fate. If Loki was indeed the one who had given him the vision, this was his only lead and he had to follow through on Loki's plan.

"Alright then," He said, determination renewed. "Let's do this thing!"

The fox gave a crafty grin.

"Good choice," He said. "Now all you have to do to obtain your coffee without falling into the Chaos's trap is to follow my orders on this mission. Speak with no one unless I command it, trust no one."

"Very well," Will said, albeit with some reluctance.

"I like your style, boy," Loki grinned.

So saying, he burst into the forest undergrowth. Shaking his head and muttering to himself, Will sheathed his bow and arrows and urged Tug into a gallop in pursuit of Loki. The fox was up to something, Will knew. He was not doing this merely for the good of the kingdom. But if this really was the only way...

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><p>Unbeknownst to him, Will and Loki had been watched the entire time by a dark-cloaked figure from amongst the trees. With a few soft-spoken whispers, the person – if it really was one – flicked his finger.<p>

Instantly, a small puddle of water appeared at the ground at his feet and the figure kneeled before it. The water shimmered and a dark, sinister-looking room appeared in the water like a vision.

The room was dark, all but for a throne constructed entirely of skulls and bones. The dark-cloaked figure shuddered as he gazed upon the cruel face of the Chaos who sat in his evil throne.

"So..." The Chaos crooned. "Has he swallowed the bait?"

"Bait, hook, and toggle," The dark-cloaked figure grinned.

"Good," The Chaos said, barely able to control its glee.

Without another word, the Chaos flicked its finger and the vision vanished leaving a puddle of water behind. Instantly, the water evaporated into nothingness.

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><p>Elsewhere in the kingdom – at Castle Redmont to be precise – Baron Arold stood on the steps that lead up to the gate of the castle before a large crowd of people.<p>

Halt, Gilan, Pauline, Alyss, Jenny, Horace, and George all sat astride their respective horses dressed for travel. They were armed and dangerous, ready for a long and trying mission: To find Will and, hopefully, the missing coffee.

"_Stolen_ coffee," Halt corrected sharply.

Gilan nodded hastily in agreement.

Oops, sorry!

Anyhow, Baron Arold was dressed in his finest livery and stood on a stool with his arms outstretched facing the hushed crowd.

"Ladies and gentlemen," He spoke. "Boys and girls, allow me to present you with the Hope of Araluen!"

At that, he stepped aside slightly and gestured towards Will's friends all of which were waiting impatiently to get started. The crowd cheered, eager for some merriment although some said 'boo' at the Rangers, and would have continued had the baron not shushed them.

Once they were quiet, he continued. "These fine men and women are about to embark on a perilous quest to find the prodigal son and retrieve that which was taken from us! Applaud them now as they go to save the realm and change the world forever!"

Smiling from ear to ear and feeling very proud of himself for such an epic speech, he stepped down from the stool and waddled off to the royal box where even the king himself had come to watch the procession. The roar that exploded from the crowd was deafening when as the seven urged their horses and ponies into a quick trot.

With much joy and gusto the crowd burst into a chant such as had been suggested unto them, "Coffee! Coffee! Coffee! _Coffee!_"

**To Be Continued...**

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><p><strong>AN:** Pretty, dumb huh? What more can I say? This is written for no reason other than to let my foolishness out and get it all flushed out of my system. You may see similarities to certain movies and novels so don't hold that against me, since this is all just for fun.

I hope you like it!

~ Elf Knight ~


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